I know there’s a reason for this. I’m not sure of it yet. But there is one. I’m lost and confused beyond belief. I loved with everything I had and this is what I got in return. Hurt and heartbroken. So blessed and thankful for my friends and family right now. ❤🙏
I’m losing my best friend, my lover, my secret holder, my handy man, my laughter, my happiness, my sparkle. I’m losing the man who has a part of me no one else can ever have. I’m losing the life I had planned out in my head. I’m losing the wedding I had pictured. I’m losing the family that had become my family. I’m losing the joy of waking up to a hug and kiss on my shoulder on a Sunday morning. I’m losing my shower taking partner. I’m losing the guy Daddy hated seeing me with. I’m losing the person I sometimes hated so much I could punch him. I’m losing the one who always picked on me about not being able to cook. I’m losing the one who I have gotten stuck with in mud holes plenty of times. I’m losing the man that just his laugh can brighten up my day. The man who could simply text me and say “I love you” and my mood is instantly changed. The man who is over jealous of me and who I thought was scared of losing me. Who would wake up and ask me “baby, will you marry me one day?” I don’t know what has happened to that man. He’s no longer the one I see when I look at him. He’s bitter, angry and unhappy. I know it’s time to give up and give in but it feels nearly impossible to do. The love I use to have for him is still there. If we could get back to the way we were, we’d be the same happy couple. But I don’t know if we can. Sometimes I think and probably over think. I think that maybe we weren’t meant to be what we’re trying to make ourselves be. Maybe we weren’t meant to be anything than what we were. We weren’t meant to last but for the short time we did maybe. Sometimes I think “there’s someone else out there better for me” but what if I don’t want that person? I don’t want anyone but him. The one who I fall asleep beside every night. The one who told me when I was getting ready to go out one night he’d be upset if I didn’t wear the ring he got me. The one who when we broke up before I passed on the road and he text me and asked me to turn around because he wanted a hug and he held me for what felt like ten minutes. The one who always jokingly said “I’m going to divorce you” and I would respond back “where are the papers? I’ll sign them” knowing we were joking and it would be a long time before we even got married. Neither of us have experienced the love that we share with anyone else before. I think that’s rare and should be treasured between us forever. Our bond is tighter than I ever imagined it would be when I first met him. I thought we’d “talk” for a few weeks or so and we’d both move on because we were tired of each other and had nothing in common. And that’s it — we don’t have much in common. But I think if we did, we wouldn’t have lasted as long as we have. My psychology professor told us on the first day of class “Opposites attract but they don’t last.” We’re both young and have much more of life to see. And I’m constantly reminded of that from people, older of course. I’m not saying I don’t believe them when they say “you’re young, you have plenty of time to find the right one” but they aren’t there when we have our little talks at night and he kisses me randomly and tells me he loves me because he doesn’t think he tells me enough. They aren’t there when we do weird things together because we’re both a little weird and don’t want anyone else knowing that we do the things we do. They aren’t there when I go to walk away from him and he pulls me back close and hugs me. No one knows what we have but us. I believe if we do move on there will always be that part in both of our hearts that there will always be that has strong love and desire for each other. That is something that no one can take away or change. That is the one thing I will cherish forever. The memories of the love we had that couldn’t and wasn’t meant to last.
I’m honestly in shock of how much my best friend from 7-8 grade has changed so much. Back then, her parents tried controlling her and keeping her innocent but it didn’t work. She rebelled and got herself in trouble. In 10 grade she was in jail for weed. She was dating a guy who was at least 19 or 20. I know that’s not too much of an age difference but he was no good for her. I lost contact with her for a while, but then found her on Facebook. She is now married to her first cousin. That is just sick. She doesn’t so anything with her life. I don’t think she even finished high school. When we were in 7th grade, she was such a good person. I don’t know what happened to her. I honestly feel worse for her parents than I do for her. They tried their best to raise her right. Her parents and her sister are the sweetest people. I know she won’t ever be the same. And I wouldn’t be too surprised if she died young.
On Christmas day, my nephew chucky was hit by a car while riding his bike. He was immediately medflighted to mcv. We knew it was serious and knew it would take a long time, but he’d recover. The next day, he was in a coma but was moving his arms and legs when the doctors started working on him. So I was excited for improvement. Today, he isn’t moving and had to have an emergency MRI which showed more blood around his brain. So he went in for emergency surgery. And now they’re saying if he survives at all, he will be in vegatative state. The thought of that kills me. He’s twelve years old. He has his whole life ahead of him. He’s to young to be faced with this. Prayers are being said constantly. But it is still hard. This is something you never expect to happen. But I still believe God can heal all.
I was working the other day in the childrens dept. I was walking around making sure things looked straight. There was a little old lady there and she was bending down trying to pick up two toy trucks. She had 5 journals for kids in her hands and they kept falling. So I helped her pick them and the trucks up. I offered to go find a basket for her to put her things in and she told me she had clothes are another register and that I could just help her carry her things down there. So, I did of course. Then she said she was going to be worn out when she carried all this stuff to her car after making three trips. So I carried all her bags out there for her and put them in her backseat. Then she said thank you and gave me a hug. That was a very heartwarming moment for me. I wasn’t really in the Christmas spirit before that and then after that, knowing I helped her and probably made her day, I definitely was feeling the spirit.
Before I write this, let me say this. I’m not saying that I’m ready to completely settle down with a man and I’m going to marry the next guy I’m with. If he happens to be the person I was meant to be with, then it’ll happen. Anyway. Lately I’ve just been thinking about how ready I am for a real relationship. I’m ready to give all my love to one guy. I’m tired of wasting my time on ones that I know after a week, it’s not going to work with. I want a REAL man. Someone I can go to with all of my problems and can give me a serious, logical answer. Someone who makes me laugh til I cry. Someone who I don’t have to worry about what my parents will think of him. Somebody that understands why I do things I do and am the way I am. I need an adult. All that I seem to find is childish boys who are still caught up with the past. I’m ready for a future. Any man that can give me that, is mine <3 p.s. - my man must have goals and things going for him.